Wednesday morning, at 10:07, mom passed away. She waited for my father to take her in her arms, and for all of us to be in the room. She went very peacefully. Choking back tears, I am trying to update you all. I go through periods of being spaced out and think I'm watching a movie, to having such a heavy heart, and sick tummy. This is real. Mom is gone, and I am not OKAY with it.
Mom had been diagnosed shortly after Christmas with cancer. She received radiation, and then chemo. The first set of chemo knocked her off her feet, and she became to weak to undergo any more. Not that it would have helped. The tumors in her brain had taken over her body, rather then the breast cancer.
While she has been suffering for over six months, we were able to keep her at home and give her the care she needed. Up until the last week, we were able to get her out for walks. We were able to give her some quality of life. It wasn't until the last week that she felt extreme pain. For that I am grateful.
I am incredibly pissed right now. Perhaps its part of the grieving process. The hardest part was mom loosing her speech. She had so much she wanted to say, and couldn't.
I know I was here for mom. I know I made the right decision by coming home to be with her. But, I don't feel I was actually here. Not all the time. I feel I was distant, and busied myself with other things rather then really being there for her. I know I was there whole heart-edly some of the time, but others, I could have been better. This is the hardest part for me. This hurts the most. Please restrain from telling me I did what I could. I just need to vent.
So much more to say. Perhaps tomorrow there will be another blog post.
Does this empty feeling ever go away? The hurt? The hunger for having mom back again?
How lucky I am to have known someone who was so hard to say goodbye to..
Moms obituary
Amy....20 years ago I dropped everything to move back to Cape Breton for the very same reason. My mom was diagnosed with cancer and I had to be there....she's my mom, where else would I be. We were blessed to be able to keep her at home (her wish) till the very end. Thanks of course to the VON.
ReplyDeleteDoes the empty feeling ever go away you ask. No.... at least it hasn't for me.
The hurt...It's easier to manage but still there.
The hunger to have your mom with you again never subsides. Folks have tried to tell me it would.... they were wrong... very very wrong.
My heart hurts for you. And I know nothing I can say or do will help. Just know you're not alone.
-Judy
I can't even to begin to imagine my life without my mother. They say time heals all wounds but I think some things just cling to our soul....you will think about her all the time, miss her all the time, but i'm sure it will get easier. Focus your memories of her on her whole life not just the time she was sick and not the day she died.
ReplyDeleteI know you said don't say it but you know it's true too....you did the best you could....you never know how you're going to deal with certain situations and if you needed to be a bit distracted some days then you needed to be....
You're amazing :) Peace and love.
Amy- So sorry for your loss. My wife and I have taken great comfort from the scripture found at John 5:28-29. also Psalms 37:10-11. Your mother is gone for now, but is safe in God's memory. Duane Traver
ReplyDeleteOh God Amy, I am so sorry.
ReplyDeleteI don't know what to say ... I lost my mom three years ago. I was 57 and she 84. Even though I'm a grown woman the feeling of loss was awful.
The pain does lessen over time. But not now. For now let yourself feel everything you need to feel.
Sick tummy feeling -- yep. I remember that.
The empty feeling now is because the most important person in your life is no longer here. Her loss is the only thing you can see or feel.
Later your life will resume and you will feel "normal" but there will always be an empty spot inside reserved for your mom.
I think about my mom often. I see her in the mirror and that used to shake me but now I smile ... I see her in the things I do and say and feel. I see her in me a lot.
And I am so glad she was my mom coz she made me largely who I am today.
I talk to strangers in shopping lines. I act silly and don't care what people think. I'm a lousy house keeper like she was. Instead I spend my time enjoying life and not fretting over waxy buildup on my kitchen floor.
Your mom looks like she was fun. I love the picture of her coming out of that shark's mouth.
My mom and I couldn't have a conversation for the last year of her life as she had a kind of stroke that robbed her of her ability to understand me or to say what she wanted, but we knew ... we both knew that we loved each other.
Feel free to email me if you ever want to rant, vent, share memories, talk, not talk, cry, not cry -- whatever.
Hugs, Sybil