A whril wind of updates

Life is pretty darn sweet, considering it’s a bitch.

Ocd, has me on a rollercoaster. I am worrying about normal to me things like being around kids, animals and old people, but it also has me doing some confessing and worrying about details of certain events. Silly mind, I want a new brain. I want to be home with my neices and nephews, but ocd makes it so hard.

I dreamt about mom again last night, It has been awhile. Thankfully, it was fairly pleasant. It is nice to have her visit my dreams, but it brings up a wide range of emotions. I think about her daily, and find myself searching my face book to see her comments. She was such a smartass and never failed to put a smile on my face.

I have started a new business adventure. While I am still doing “SS” (removed name for privacy reasons) , it is time for a change and something different. SS is now finally back on track since I’ve returned from Cape Breton in August. My schedule is full, I like my clients and I feel good when I leave. However, I am not content with what I am doing with my life.

While at a recent franchise show I only found one business that interested me. Perhaps I was a little biased, as I was addicted to their product. Gourmet coffee vending machines. After attending some of their information sessions, having interviews and getting approved for a loan, it felt right to go ahead and pursue this. New business name : JJE (removed actual name for privacy reasons). Our Machines arrive at the end of the month, and I feel very positive about this. While Anthony was very much into this idea, he is the one that is stressing over the what if’s. What if it was a bad idea financially? Its funny, considering my history with anxiety, worrying and doubting…. I don’t worry about anything rational. Besides my ocd, people tell me I am the most laid back person they know. Frankly, I believe that everything works out in the end. Worst case scenario, it was a silly idea and were out a shitload of money, but we will live ;). Maybe its because I am feeling pretty confident now.

Roller Derby. I have had an interest in roller derby for a few years now, but could never find anything local. Halifax now has a league and they are accepting new no experienced needed players. Finally, after a lot of procrastinating based on fear, I now have roller skates and all the gear needed. I have been on them twice so far. Once inside, once outside. I hurt from falling, I feel very discouraged and I am definitely unsure I can do this. BUT, I refuse to give up yet. Worst case scenario, I am a shitty skater and can’t do derby. I tried and that’s what matters. Its fantastic exercise, and as long as I don’t break anything, its all good fun.




Yes, it can be a rough sport, but with proper gear and training its fairly safe. Just like any other sport, except you have hot chicks in fishnets, banging into each other using vulgar language, and fun hair. I fit right in ;). The ladies are amazing, and I doubt you could meet a nicer group of people. Seeing them is making me crave more tattoos and piercings. Dad may just disown me…… hehe.

Speaking on tattoos, I am putting together a piece in memory of mom. When mom was first diagnosed with breast cancer, my whole family decided we would get a tattoo to show the love we have for her. It was a simple butterfly, with the breast cancer ribbon in the middle as the body. We will still be getting that one, however, I want something bigger. A portrait perhaps, with her butterfly story. I must remember to post the butterfly story she wrote. Mom loved butterflies, not only because of their beauty, but because what they stood for. The change. She was a butterfly. We all are. “What a caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly” - Richard Buckminister.

I would love to update you all on my weightloss, but there is nothing to report. Total failure in that department, but with the skating being introduced, it should change. I am eating a bit healthier though… maybe… kind of… sorta?

How are you all doing?

01/21/11

Friday January 21st 2011

It amazes me how smart, sane and sensible I can be one day, then the next day I’m delusional and non realistic. I have these perfect ideas and plans. I think they are realistic, I think they are perfect, but I always fail at pulling through. Is it because I’m an idiot? Or because I lack the confidence and determination to push my way to the end. I have to question myself because its not normal to have the same plans for years, and to allow years pass with out making any changes or improvements.

Last Sunday, I planned for a new day, a new week, a new beginning. I didn’t get to the gym at all, I didn’t get anything done that I wanted to. Instead, I messed up my work schedule and locked myself out of a clients house! I am sooo fucking fantastic! My house is still disorganized, my rollerskates have not been ordered ( that’s a whole other blog), my car is still a mess. I did however do some bonding time with my pitty. We walked 6kms. Its amazing how well she does on leash now. I had to keep checking to make sure she was clipped on because she did not pull. That, I feel good about.

Normally, I’d allow myself to get depressed because I have not accomplished anything all week. But, I’m not. I still feel positive, I still feel that if I keep my head up, life will continue and improve. I will improve. I need to improve, because I can’t deteriorate anymore, the next step is the looney bin. ;)

Ocd update. I am still pretty nervous around my pets and children I run into. Ocd is trying to convince me that I move a certain way to hurt them. Seems silly, but oh so real in my brain. Perhaps, I am a terrible person who wishes to cause harm for my own pleasure….? I have accepted that my life will always be filled with these doubts. Sad, but true. For the most part, I am a happy girl. Even with my brain doubting, I can still stay on top of the world. Its just the occasional outbreak that brings me down. I know I can overcome it, and I will be back to my happy go lucky self, with proper management.

Im curious to know… what causes anxiety in you? Whats the craziest thing you have ever doubted? We all have doubts, we all have crazy thoughts, its only a problem when your brain gets “stuck” on a said thought and you question over and over why you thought it. Tell me yours… I dare you!

A new day

Today, is a new day. Today is the beginning of a new week. I’m done procrastinating. I’m done making excuses and allowing myself to get away with not living my life to the fullest.

I had a huge wake up call last week. OCD took over. Anxiety attacks. Panic. Racing thoughts. I couldn’t function. It was terrifying and I was crashing.

Two years ago I had a really bad ocd breakdown. I was unable to work, sleep or eat. I couldn’t be in public, nor could I be around anyone or anything besides Anthony. A few months, some nutty useless therapists and some fantastic drugs, I was back to normal. As normal as I get. While my ocd never goes away, I am normally able to manage it without a breakdown.

Last week I knew a breakdown was brewing. I knew I had to take control. I just couldn’t figure out how. However, what I have that others seem to lack is an amazing support system. I have always been incredibly lucky to have those around me. Anthony, the love of my life, my better half , has been so fantastic. When our relationship started almost 9 years ago, when we were just 15, Anthony was introduced to my OCD. Funny enough, he did not run away. He could have, because literally, we had only been dating a week when OCD convinced me that I would give him an STD from just holding hands. Yes, its okay to laugh. I laugh at it now. I know now how silly it sounds, but back then, there was no way I could be rational when I my body was under so much stress.

My family, simply amazing. I still can not believe the things I tell them. I try not to mention my type of OCD because it is so disturbing. But, my family know the details. They laugh at me too sometimes, because when your 10 feet away from a child and your ocd makes you think you bitch slapped them with your “go go gadget” arms, you have to laugh. I even laugh when my anxiety goes away. If im lucky, it only lasts 10 mins. My nieces and nephews even know about my ocd and some of my “obsessions”. It makes life easier. It also helps my family understand why I can be distant and refuse to be around them as much as I would like to be.

My friends. God has truly blessed me. All close friends know about my ocd, and how it can affect me. I can be incredibly emotionally draining, so I can not blame anyone for walking away from me. Luckily its very rare. I know, deep down, that I am a good person, a good friend. And if you are able to handle me at my low times, you will love me during my high times. ;)

That being said, I took the weekend to rejuvenate. I’ve been a bit stressed, which I know contributed to my mini ocd breakdown. Sigh, stress management, how I need you.

Friday night two friends took me under their wings and had me spend the night with them. The next morning I had a bubble bath poured for me in their huge soaker tub, served coffee and books in the bath, and then had an amazing breakfast made for me. <3 Saturday night consisted of late night movies with Antz and sleeping in on Sunday. Today, we are at a coffee shop downtown, reading, writing and flirting. Nothing else matters. I am rejuvenated!

I am so pissed that OCD has this control over me. I want to be back in control of my own life and my own happiness. A positive outlook should help. Exercise should help too. Today, I am starting over. Today, my life begins again. Today, I will start bettering myself, and I am asking for your help in holding me to it. OCD can’t hold me down. I will not allow OCD to cause such depression, that my life becomes useless. I refuse to let it stop me from enjoying the things I love. The people I love. I am all about love, and when anxiety kicks in, I am not a loveable person.

A mamie update!

I have a goal to blog at least twice a month. I would love to once a week. Perhaps if I wasn't such a lazy ass/procrasinator; I would get it done. I still have so much to say. So much I need to get out, I just find it hard to find the time to do it. It is such a relief to write my thoughts down. When I start, they just pour out. Perhaps I post more then I should. Oh well, if you don't like it, don't read it. ;)

Life... life is going. It's almost... almost back to normal. Well, as normal as my life gets.

My work scheduale is now full, and I am just as disorganized as ever. I am working on my disorganization. Its a new goal of mine. So many goals. The same goals I made this time last year. EPIC FAIL! This year, will be different. At least, it better be. I can't have two epic fails in a row! How can I fail at something that matters to me so much? Is it because I lack motivation, because I'm lazy, or is it just because life gets in the way. Regardless, if I fail this time, I will be comitting myself into a mental instuition, or Anthony will do it. ;).

I feel good. I feel happy. Really, there are very few things I am unhappy with in my life and they all have to do with me, and things that I need to change! Its a vicious circle that always goes back to the goals.

My eyes are wide open now, more open then they have ever been. I see things differently. The past year I have been put into so many different situations, good and bad, so many new people have come into my life. Mostly for the better, and those that were not so fantastic, I have learned so much from. And learning, boy oh boy am I learning! About myself, about others, about love, about life. Its thrilling, scary, sad and brillant. I feel alive. Not so lost anymore. I have my days, thats for sure. We all do.

I miss mom. Terribly! The dreams have stopped for the most part, but the feelings have not gone away. The empty feeling. Somedays, I pick up the phone to call her, or see my dad's number on the phone and get excited that MOM called. Everyday, I will be carrying on with my daily activities and remember she has passed and memories will flood my mind. It feels like someone punched me in the stomach, and a panic attack begins.

I miss home, I miss the family, I miss the kids. But like I said, I feel good. I have amazing family. Amazing friends, and a pretty awesome life!

xoxo

Mamie

Mom is on a beach.. :)

While mom was in the hospital for a week a few months back, there was another man in the room next to hers dying of cancer. His family took turns being with him, and left just for an hour or so in the middle of the night to catch some sleep. I had dozed off and had dreamt of playing cards with this guy. While, I have never seen this man, nor did I know who he was, in my dream I knew his name. I knew what he looked like. We were laughing and talking. It was a very pleasant dream.

When I awoke he had just passed. His family had just arrived. I remember feeling bad for this man, because he died alone. But, he didn’t. I was with him. I could feel it.

The day mom passed, we had all been up with her hours before. My sister and brother stayed in the room with her, while the rest of us went back for a nap. I had dreamt again. We were on the beach. ( Mom’s favourite place) The whole family was there. She was well, and healthy. She was beautiful, smiling and playing with the grandchildren. It was a beautiful dream. I awoke quickly, breathing heavy. I knew, based on the feeling that mom was going to pass. I flew over the stairs and stood beside mom. I informed my family of my dream. It was only minutes that everyone was called into the room to be with mom.

I have to believe that mom was in a very special place, with all of us with her. On a beach, enjoying herself, and her family.




These two dreams, a coincidence? I think not.

Since the day mom passed, I have dreamt every night, except last night. Each dream has had mom in it, but none were pleasant. It hurts to wake up and have your mind filled with depressing things and your tummy nauseas. If I dream about Mother, I want it to be happy. I need it to be happy. I hope these dreams are done with, and my sleep takes me places more pleasant. Perhaps the beach again. With my family. With Mom. Until then, I hold on the beach dream, and know she passed peacefully, and that she is on a beach somewhere waiting for all of us to join her.

Missing Mum.

Wednesday morning, at 10:07, mom passed away. She waited for my father to take her in her arms, and for all of us to be in the room. She went very peacefully. Choking back tears, I am trying to update you all. I go through periods of being spaced out and think I'm watching a movie, to having such a heavy heart, and sick tummy. This is real. Mom is gone, and I am not OKAY with it.

Mom had been diagnosed shortly after Christmas with cancer. She received radiation, and then chemo. The first set of chemo knocked her off her feet, and she became to weak to undergo any more. Not that it would have helped. The tumors in her brain had taken over her body, rather then the breast cancer.

While she has been suffering for over six months, we were able to keep her at home and give her the care she needed. Up until the last week, we were able to get her out for walks. We were able to give her some quality of life. It wasn't until the last week that she felt extreme pain. For that I am grateful.

I am incredibly pissed right now. Perhaps its part of the grieving process. The hardest part was mom loosing her speech. She had so much she wanted to say, and couldn't.

I know I was here for mom. I know I made the right decision by coming home to be with her. But, I don't feel I was actually here. Not all the time. I feel I was distant, and busied myself with other things rather then really being there for her. I know I was there whole heart-edly some of the time, but others, I could have been better. This is the hardest part for me. This hurts the most. Please restrain from telling me I did what I could. I just need to vent.

So much more to say. Perhaps tomorrow there will be another blog post.

Does this empty feeling ever go away? The hurt? The hunger for having mom back again?

How lucky I am to have known someone who was so hard to say goodbye to..

Moms obituary

Cancer Sucks

I haven’t blogged in months because I didn’t know what to say. I don’t want to sound to depressing, but I need an outlet. Cancer fucking sucks.

Shortly after Christmas, my mother, 57, was diagnosed with breast cancer that spread to the brain. The diagnoses has varied since then, and the expectations we had with this type of cancer changed drastically. Regardless , it isn’t good. I am uncomfortable giving details in public out of respect for my family, and I am unsure if I could get into the details. It seems to be easier to leave them at the back of my mind.

Since then, life has been up in the air. For the past 6 months I have been back and forth from Halifax to Cape Breton. I told myself, and discussed with Anthony, that if mom was given 6 months to live, I was dropping everything an moving home. Needless to say, I am home in CB.

I am still trying to get the details out. The cancer details. Life’s details. My Life’s details.

For those that don’t know, I have a small residential cleaning business. For the most part, I dropped it. When I return every few weeks I try to fit some clients in. Most clients have been very understanding. I am amazed at some of my friends for not understanding why I am doing this. They don’t seem to understand that I am not really leaving my life behind to be with my mom in Cape Breton, but THIS IS MY LIFE. I couldn’t imagine not being here. My family is everything.

So, why have I been so quiet since Christmas?, well, now ya’ll know . : )

Remember no sympathy, just hugs and words of wisdom.