Finding Peace.....

"Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy."
- Eskimo Proverb

I still think of Mom daily. Numerous times a day. I still start to call her. I still forget she is gone. I still remember every mean thing I’ve said to her, and I still remember the suffering. I am still angry, bitter and think cancer fucking sucks. I still ache for Mom and miss her dearly.

However, I am feeling a bit better than I was. I think I have come to a point in my life where I am more accepting… or something. I believe a few things played a huge part in me finding a bit of peace, or at least feeling a bit more at ease.
A friend of mine recently lost his mother to cancer. It was very similar to the type of cancer mom had and he went through some very similar things that I did. I was there for him as much as I could be, to listen, offer advice, and just to chat. But, it was also like therapy for me. He listened to me. I got so much off my chest. Tommy, I am always here for you, and Thank you for being there for me as well. ( Once upon a time…. The end!...)

Twice this summer, I requested Mom’s presence and she showed. For those of you who do not know, my mother loved butterflies and when we see butterflies, it is her. This summer I had not seen any butterflies. On a particularly bad day, I had the dog outside playing fetch. I was so depressed; I cancelled all my work for the day, and was walking around in a daze. I looked at the sky and pleaded for Mom. Within minutes, a yellow butterfly appeared in the distant. I slowly walked towards it, only to notice more yellow butterflies popping up out of nowhere. It was amazing. It gave me the strength to pull myself together and get through the day.

Then, Labour Day weekend, Anthony and I rented a cottage on the lake. It was a wonderful weekend, where we spent the whole weekend on the dock with our feet in the water. I again was in a funk and was struggling to be happy, when I said to Anthony “I’ve not seen any butterflies in a long time. I wish mom was here”.
Seconds later the biggest butterfly I had ever seen flew between Anthony and me. It looped around a bit then flew across the lake. It was magical.

A few weeks ago, I started working on my newest tattoo. A partial tattoo sleeve in memory of Mom. This is in addition to the wrist tattoo, that my four sisters and I got in memory of mom.

I chatted with Lydia from Utility tattoo about what I wanted for my tattoo. I met her through derby and is incredibly talented. She created an amazing custom piece for me, and 2 weeks ago I sat down in her chair. Five hours later, I was rocking one stunning piece of art on my arm, and its only half done. I get it finished next week.

I constantly catch myself touching my arm, where my mom’s portrait is tattooed on. It puts me at ease. It reminds me she is here with me.