A new day

Today, is a new day. Today is the beginning of a new week. I’m done procrastinating. I’m done making excuses and allowing myself to get away with not living my life to the fullest.

I had a huge wake up call last week. OCD took over. Anxiety attacks. Panic. Racing thoughts. I couldn’t function. It was terrifying and I was crashing.

Two years ago I had a really bad ocd breakdown. I was unable to work, sleep or eat. I couldn’t be in public, nor could I be around anyone or anything besides Anthony. A few months, some nutty useless therapists and some fantastic drugs, I was back to normal. As normal as I get. While my ocd never goes away, I am normally able to manage it without a breakdown.

Last week I knew a breakdown was brewing. I knew I had to take control. I just couldn’t figure out how. However, what I have that others seem to lack is an amazing support system. I have always been incredibly lucky to have those around me. Anthony, the love of my life, my better half , has been so fantastic. When our relationship started almost 9 years ago, when we were just 15, Anthony was introduced to my OCD. Funny enough, he did not run away. He could have, because literally, we had only been dating a week when OCD convinced me that I would give him an STD from just holding hands. Yes, its okay to laugh. I laugh at it now. I know now how silly it sounds, but back then, there was no way I could be rational when I my body was under so much stress.

My family, simply amazing. I still can not believe the things I tell them. I try not to mention my type of OCD because it is so disturbing. But, my family know the details. They laugh at me too sometimes, because when your 10 feet away from a child and your ocd makes you think you bitch slapped them with your “go go gadget” arms, you have to laugh. I even laugh when my anxiety goes away. If im lucky, it only lasts 10 mins. My nieces and nephews even know about my ocd and some of my “obsessions”. It makes life easier. It also helps my family understand why I can be distant and refuse to be around them as much as I would like to be.

My friends. God has truly blessed me. All close friends know about my ocd, and how it can affect me. I can be incredibly emotionally draining, so I can not blame anyone for walking away from me. Luckily its very rare. I know, deep down, that I am a good person, a good friend. And if you are able to handle me at my low times, you will love me during my high times. ;)

That being said, I took the weekend to rejuvenate. I’ve been a bit stressed, which I know contributed to my mini ocd breakdown. Sigh, stress management, how I need you.

Friday night two friends took me under their wings and had me spend the night with them. The next morning I had a bubble bath poured for me in their huge soaker tub, served coffee and books in the bath, and then had an amazing breakfast made for me. <3 Saturday night consisted of late night movies with Antz and sleeping in on Sunday. Today, we are at a coffee shop downtown, reading, writing and flirting. Nothing else matters. I am rejuvenated!

I am so pissed that OCD has this control over me. I want to be back in control of my own life and my own happiness. A positive outlook should help. Exercise should help too. Today, I am starting over. Today, my life begins again. Today, I will start bettering myself, and I am asking for your help in holding me to it. OCD can’t hold me down. I will not allow OCD to cause such depression, that my life becomes useless. I refuse to let it stop me from enjoying the things I love. The people I love. I am all about love, and when anxiety kicks in, I am not a loveable person.