01/21/11

Friday January 21st 2011

It amazes me how smart, sane and sensible I can be one day, then the next day I’m delusional and non realistic. I have these perfect ideas and plans. I think they are realistic, I think they are perfect, but I always fail at pulling through. Is it because I’m an idiot? Or because I lack the confidence and determination to push my way to the end. I have to question myself because its not normal to have the same plans for years, and to allow years pass with out making any changes or improvements.

Last Sunday, I planned for a new day, a new week, a new beginning. I didn’t get to the gym at all, I didn’t get anything done that I wanted to. Instead, I messed up my work schedule and locked myself out of a clients house! I am sooo fucking fantastic! My house is still disorganized, my rollerskates have not been ordered ( that’s a whole other blog), my car is still a mess. I did however do some bonding time with my pitty. We walked 6kms. Its amazing how well she does on leash now. I had to keep checking to make sure she was clipped on because she did not pull. That, I feel good about.

Normally, I’d allow myself to get depressed because I have not accomplished anything all week. But, I’m not. I still feel positive, I still feel that if I keep my head up, life will continue and improve. I will improve. I need to improve, because I can’t deteriorate anymore, the next step is the looney bin. ;)

Ocd update. I am still pretty nervous around my pets and children I run into. Ocd is trying to convince me that I move a certain way to hurt them. Seems silly, but oh so real in my brain. Perhaps, I am a terrible person who wishes to cause harm for my own pleasure….? I have accepted that my life will always be filled with these doubts. Sad, but true. For the most part, I am a happy girl. Even with my brain doubting, I can still stay on top of the world. Its just the occasional outbreak that brings me down. I know I can overcome it, and I will be back to my happy go lucky self, with proper management.

Im curious to know… what causes anxiety in you? Whats the craziest thing you have ever doubted? We all have doubts, we all have crazy thoughts, its only a problem when your brain gets “stuck” on a said thought and you question over and over why you thought it. Tell me yours… I dare you!