Missing Mum.

Wednesday morning, at 10:07, mom passed away. She waited for my father to take her in her arms, and for all of us to be in the room. She went very peacefully. Choking back tears, I am trying to update you all. I go through periods of being spaced out and think I'm watching a movie, to having such a heavy heart, and sick tummy. This is real. Mom is gone, and I am not OKAY with it.

Mom had been diagnosed shortly after Christmas with cancer. She received radiation, and then chemo. The first set of chemo knocked her off her feet, and she became to weak to undergo any more. Not that it would have helped. The tumors in her brain had taken over her body, rather then the breast cancer.

While she has been suffering for over six months, we were able to keep her at home and give her the care she needed. Up until the last week, we were able to get her out for walks. We were able to give her some quality of life. It wasn't until the last week that she felt extreme pain. For that I am grateful.

I am incredibly pissed right now. Perhaps its part of the grieving process. The hardest part was mom loosing her speech. She had so much she wanted to say, and couldn't.

I know I was here for mom. I know I made the right decision by coming home to be with her. But, I don't feel I was actually here. Not all the time. I feel I was distant, and busied myself with other things rather then really being there for her. I know I was there whole heart-edly some of the time, but others, I could have been better. This is the hardest part for me. This hurts the most. Please restrain from telling me I did what I could. I just need to vent.

So much more to say. Perhaps tomorrow there will be another blog post.

Does this empty feeling ever go away? The hurt? The hunger for having mom back again?

How lucky I am to have known someone who was so hard to say goodbye to..

Moms obituary

Cancer Sucks

I haven’t blogged in months because I didn’t know what to say. I don’t want to sound to depressing, but I need an outlet. Cancer fucking sucks.

Shortly after Christmas, my mother, 57, was diagnosed with breast cancer that spread to the brain. The diagnoses has varied since then, and the expectations we had with this type of cancer changed drastically. Regardless , it isn’t good. I am uncomfortable giving details in public out of respect for my family, and I am unsure if I could get into the details. It seems to be easier to leave them at the back of my mind.

Since then, life has been up in the air. For the past 6 months I have been back and forth from Halifax to Cape Breton. I told myself, and discussed with Anthony, that if mom was given 6 months to live, I was dropping everything an moving home. Needless to say, I am home in CB.

I am still trying to get the details out. The cancer details. Life’s details. My Life’s details.

For those that don’t know, I have a small residential cleaning business. For the most part, I dropped it. When I return every few weeks I try to fit some clients in. Most clients have been very understanding. I am amazed at some of my friends for not understanding why I am doing this. They don’t seem to understand that I am not really leaving my life behind to be with my mom in Cape Breton, but THIS IS MY LIFE. I couldn’t imagine not being here. My family is everything.

So, why have I been so quiet since Christmas?, well, now ya’ll know . : )

Remember no sympathy, just hugs and words of wisdom.