A mamie update!

I have a goal to blog at least twice a month. I would love to once a week. Perhaps if I wasn't such a lazy ass/procrasinator; I would get it done. I still have so much to say. So much I need to get out, I just find it hard to find the time to do it. It is such a relief to write my thoughts down. When I start, they just pour out. Perhaps I post more then I should. Oh well, if you don't like it, don't read it. ;)

Life... life is going. It's almost... almost back to normal. Well, as normal as my life gets.

My work scheduale is now full, and I am just as disorganized as ever. I am working on my disorganization. Its a new goal of mine. So many goals. The same goals I made this time last year. EPIC FAIL! This year, will be different. At least, it better be. I can't have two epic fails in a row! How can I fail at something that matters to me so much? Is it because I lack motivation, because I'm lazy, or is it just because life gets in the way. Regardless, if I fail this time, I will be comitting myself into a mental instuition, or Anthony will do it. ;).

I feel good. I feel happy. Really, there are very few things I am unhappy with in my life and they all have to do with me, and things that I need to change! Its a vicious circle that always goes back to the goals.

My eyes are wide open now, more open then they have ever been. I see things differently. The past year I have been put into so many different situations, good and bad, so many new people have come into my life. Mostly for the better, and those that were not so fantastic, I have learned so much from. And learning, boy oh boy am I learning! About myself, about others, about love, about life. Its thrilling, scary, sad and brillant. I feel alive. Not so lost anymore. I have my days, thats for sure. We all do.

I miss mom. Terribly! The dreams have stopped for the most part, but the feelings have not gone away. The empty feeling. Somedays, I pick up the phone to call her, or see my dad's number on the phone and get excited that MOM called. Everyday, I will be carrying on with my daily activities and remember she has passed and memories will flood my mind. It feels like someone punched me in the stomach, and a panic attack begins.

I miss home, I miss the family, I miss the kids. But like I said, I feel good. I have amazing family. Amazing friends, and a pretty awesome life!

xoxo

Mamie

Mom is on a beach.. :)

While mom was in the hospital for a week a few months back, there was another man in the room next to hers dying of cancer. His family took turns being with him, and left just for an hour or so in the middle of the night to catch some sleep. I had dozed off and had dreamt of playing cards with this guy. While, I have never seen this man, nor did I know who he was, in my dream I knew his name. I knew what he looked like. We were laughing and talking. It was a very pleasant dream.

When I awoke he had just passed. His family had just arrived. I remember feeling bad for this man, because he died alone. But, he didn’t. I was with him. I could feel it.

The day mom passed, we had all been up with her hours before. My sister and brother stayed in the room with her, while the rest of us went back for a nap. I had dreamt again. We were on the beach. ( Mom’s favourite place) The whole family was there. She was well, and healthy. She was beautiful, smiling and playing with the grandchildren. It was a beautiful dream. I awoke quickly, breathing heavy. I knew, based on the feeling that mom was going to pass. I flew over the stairs and stood beside mom. I informed my family of my dream. It was only minutes that everyone was called into the room to be with mom.

I have to believe that mom was in a very special place, with all of us with her. On a beach, enjoying herself, and her family.




These two dreams, a coincidence? I think not.

Since the day mom passed, I have dreamt every night, except last night. Each dream has had mom in it, but none were pleasant. It hurts to wake up and have your mind filled with depressing things and your tummy nauseas. If I dream about Mother, I want it to be happy. I need it to be happy. I hope these dreams are done with, and my sleep takes me places more pleasant. Perhaps the beach again. With my family. With Mom. Until then, I hold on the beach dream, and know she passed peacefully, and that she is on a beach somewhere waiting for all of us to join her.

Missing Mum.

Wednesday morning, at 10:07, mom passed away. She waited for my father to take her in her arms, and for all of us to be in the room. She went very peacefully. Choking back tears, I am trying to update you all. I go through periods of being spaced out and think I'm watching a movie, to having such a heavy heart, and sick tummy. This is real. Mom is gone, and I am not OKAY with it.

Mom had been diagnosed shortly after Christmas with cancer. She received radiation, and then chemo. The first set of chemo knocked her off her feet, and she became to weak to undergo any more. Not that it would have helped. The tumors in her brain had taken over her body, rather then the breast cancer.

While she has been suffering for over six months, we were able to keep her at home and give her the care she needed. Up until the last week, we were able to get her out for walks. We were able to give her some quality of life. It wasn't until the last week that she felt extreme pain. For that I am grateful.

I am incredibly pissed right now. Perhaps its part of the grieving process. The hardest part was mom loosing her speech. She had so much she wanted to say, and couldn't.

I know I was here for mom. I know I made the right decision by coming home to be with her. But, I don't feel I was actually here. Not all the time. I feel I was distant, and busied myself with other things rather then really being there for her. I know I was there whole heart-edly some of the time, but others, I could have been better. This is the hardest part for me. This hurts the most. Please restrain from telling me I did what I could. I just need to vent.

So much more to say. Perhaps tomorrow there will be another blog post.

Does this empty feeling ever go away? The hurt? The hunger for having mom back again?

How lucky I am to have known someone who was so hard to say goodbye to..

Moms obituary

Cancer Sucks

I haven’t blogged in months because I didn’t know what to say. I don’t want to sound to depressing, but I need an outlet. Cancer fucking sucks.

Shortly after Christmas, my mother, 57, was diagnosed with breast cancer that spread to the brain. The diagnoses has varied since then, and the expectations we had with this type of cancer changed drastically. Regardless , it isn’t good. I am uncomfortable giving details in public out of respect for my family, and I am unsure if I could get into the details. It seems to be easier to leave them at the back of my mind.

Since then, life has been up in the air. For the past 6 months I have been back and forth from Halifax to Cape Breton. I told myself, and discussed with Anthony, that if mom was given 6 months to live, I was dropping everything an moving home. Needless to say, I am home in CB.

I am still trying to get the details out. The cancer details. Life’s details. My Life’s details.

For those that don’t know, I have a small residential cleaning business. For the most part, I dropped it. When I return every few weeks I try to fit some clients in. Most clients have been very understanding. I am amazed at some of my friends for not understanding why I am doing this. They don’t seem to understand that I am not really leaving my life behind to be with my mom in Cape Breton, but THIS IS MY LIFE. I couldn’t imagine not being here. My family is everything.

So, why have I been so quiet since Christmas?, well, now ya’ll know . : )

Remember no sympathy, just hugs and words of wisdom.

It wasn't really a pitbull.

I am late blogging about this, but remember the story that hit the news about the pitbull who was shot by police just outside of halifax at the beginning of May?

Pit bull killed after trapping man, son in car



Silly Media, Silly Hype. It wasn't a "pitbull" at all.

It was a Mastiff/Boxer mix.

Check it out for yourself. :)


Me and my dogs in Halifax, Nova Scotia: A leashless reactive dog paid the ultimate price yesterday

Regardless, its very unfortunate that this happened. That any dog would put anyone in this situation. But, we will never know what exactly happened or if the situation could have been controlled rather then the dog being shot. Animal control are not even properly educated on how to handle a dog like this, why would the police be?

This is not the first time, nor will it be the last - that the media doesn't investigate enough to find out the breed of dog in dog attack incidents.

Speaking of crazy pitbulls on the loose, Miss Soleil was being doggysat by family, she got out. She did some barking, and even a little chasing, but everyone is okay. :) Apparently the lady walking the weinner dog was cool as a cucumber. She meant no harm. I really wish I could have seen this happen. To observe Soleil to see what really went on. Her body language and posture. I am sooo curious.

At The End Of My Leash's Brad Pattison- Coming to Halifax

The past few years I have been trying to decide what to do with my life. How I wanted to make a living. I know I need to do something that makes me happy. Something I am passionate about. I am happiest when helping others and making a difference. My options range from social work to dog training/behaviourist.

Becoming a dog trainer seems easy in some aspects, and difficult in others. There are so many different types of trainers, so many different beliefs, and so many different methods. No wonder dogs are so screwed up. Us humans don't know what to believe ourselves.

So far I've looked into a few options of training. Apprenticing with a local dog trainer seems to be the way to go. I tried it. It didn't work. Wasn't well organized, and I didn't agree totally with her methods. I will also admit I didn’t stay around long.

I've looked into schooling with Ben Kerson in B.C www.wonderdogs.bc.ca/dog-training-program.html.

I have talked to local trainers about how to get into it as well.

In October Brad Pattison, author, dog trainer, human life coach, and star of " At The End Of My Leash" will be coming to Halifax to put on a 6 week "become a dog trainer" program. In reality, its an 18 day course and you will become a Brad Pattison certified dog trainer.

I have watched his show. I have done some research. I have read his opinions. Some techniques I watch make total sense, others just baffle my mind.

I am however, very curious about this course. Its around $6000. I am sure I would learn some and take the knowledge with me forever, but for the rest I know I would let it go in one ear and out the other. The course is just convenient. I could work my regular job during the week and do the course on the weekend. It would just give me something to start with. Some basic experience on both the good side and the bad side how a good dog trainer works.

Its a great debate as to what others think of him. My opinion isn't very high, so it is incredibly unlikely I would pursue this.

Here I are..

I know I havent blogged in awhile. When I first started this blog I wanted to keep ontop of it. I also like to feel good about what I post. I haven't felt confident in anything I wrote lately, so its been deleted. I also have to be very particular about what I can post lately, as whats on my mind isnt for me to show the public.

Thank you to everyone who has contacted me wondering about the blog. I will return shortly.xx