a look inside a younger Amy's OCD brain.

OCD and Obesity. The two biggest battles of my life. They have both always been with me, and its always been a fight to stop them from taking over. The fight is certainly much easier now that I have matured and found my support group of friends and family, but it is no where near a walk in the park.

Ocd is the worst one. It’s not something I would wish upon my worst enemy. Imagine losing touch with reality. Imagine thinking you are actually crazy. Imagine going to bed, and then thinking “ Did I lock the doors?” Your not positive so, you get out of bed, go downstairs and check. Yep. Its locked. You then go back to bed, get warm and cozy and then the thought hits again “ Are you sure you locked the door?” You think you did, but then more you think about it you doubt. Then you think of all the horrible things that could happen if the door was left unlocked and someone got inside. Your little brother, your parents, they aren’t safe, and its all your fault because you didn’t make sure the door was locked. You get out of your cozy bed and head back downstairs. You walk by the bathroom and wonder “ Did I just touch the toilet seat, I don’t think so, but I don’t know. I should wash my hands to get the germs off, then go lock the doors”. You scrub your hands to get the possible toilet germs off, then head to the door to make sure its locked. However, you pass your brothers bedroom along the way. You stop in your tracks. “Did I just enter his room?… Maybe I hurt him.? Oh noo, what if I hurt my little brother.” You go in to peek at him to make sure he is okay. He is sleeping soundly. You start to walk out, but then you wonder “ Maybe he isn’t breathing. Maybe I smothered him.” The horrible thoughts are killing you on the inside. You love your little brother, and would never want him to be harmed. And you think you locked the door, and why would you go touch the dirty toilet??? But, still there is that what if. What if I am a horrible person, who likes to cover myself in germs to make everyone sick, what if I purposely leave the doors unlocked so a criminal can get it. Maybe I even told someone to come in and rob my house. Maybe I told them I would leave the doors unlocked. And what if maybe I do want to hurt my brother because I am a jealous older sister.

Tears poor down your face. You get warm, sweaty, and can hardly breath. Anxiety is taking over. You want the thoughts to stop, but what if, what if they are true. You go back to your brother and make sure he is breathing. You place a hand above his mouth to make sure you feel breath. Your hand touches his face. Panic strikes and you start to shake. I know I just touched my brother, did I just try to smother him? Your so worried that you actually tried to hurt him, that you give him one last look, and leave the room. You get to the front door, and make sure its locked. You pass a bottle of mr clean that your mom had out when she was doing cleaning. As you start to walk back into your bedroom, you wonder “ did I mix mr. clean with the juice to poison my family?” I go back to the kitchen. These crazy thoughts and rituals have taken up over two hours already. You are exhausted, sweaty from panic and tears. You don’t want to hurt your family, but you can’t be sure you didn’t try to poison them. You need to reduce the anxiety. You remove all the juice out of the fridge, and pour it down the drain. Your mother is going to kill you for wasting, but its better then poisoning them.

Forty five minutes later you enter your bedroom. This is after washing your hands 4 times, each session lasting 5 minutes because you might have touched the toilet with your hands again. Your hands are raw, red and bleeding. But its better then spreading germs, and contaminating everything. You also had to check on your brother 4 more times, and re-check to make sure the door was locked. You finally lay in bed, so confused. You pray to God, asking why you are having these terrible thoughts. You must be a horrible person. People aren’t safe around you. You shouldn’t be here. You should die. More panic. You think “ Do I want to die? Do I want to kill myself, oh my god, what if I kill myself? “ Wayy down, deep deep down you know you don’t want to commit suicide, but what if you do it while sleeping. More panic. What would your parents and friends think? They would be devastated. You get back up, turn on the lights and take out a note book and paper. You have to write a note to your family, just in case you kill yourself in the middle of the night. You tell them how much they mean to you, how much you love god, and that you didn’t want to die. You know your not making any sense, but you want them to know that it wasn’t there fault.

You start to doze while writing the letter and then the thoughts hit again. The door, your brother, the poison, the steak knife on your desk where you had your supper earlier. You recheck everything and wash your hands again. You bring soap and water into your bedroom, because you might not have washed your hands before after possibly touching the toilet. You wipe off your pillows and anywhere you could have touched with your hands. Finally you climb into bed, and cry yourself to sleep, while praying to God for help….

I am happy to say, I rarely ever recheck doors now. I don’t have the fear of killing myself. I still wash, but not as ridiculously. My hands are healed and normalish now. I still fear that I might have hurt someone while walking by, especially babies and animals. Obsessive compulsive disorder will usually attack the things that mean the most to you in your life. I love my family, and all animals. My ocd tends to focus on anything that makes me happy.

Years of therapy and medication has certainly helped. But what helped me the most was filling my brain with information about the disorder and talking with others who have been in the same boat as me.

Everyone gets horrible thoughts, that they don’t pay attention to. Because it really means nothing! Its amazing how a thought that so many are able to dismiss, can turn into panic for me. But, It is also amazing how far I have come. I’m not crazy, just a little touched. ;).