Suicide

Suicide.

Yes, the forbidden topic.

No one wants to talk about it. No one wants to admit that they get suicidal thoughts or secret plans of how they would go through with it.

Yet, when people get brave enough to talk about it, they are usually ignored or dealt with in an inappropriate fashion that doesn’t seem to help.

Everyone is unique and their mental stability varies , as does our thought process. There are also numerous reasons some people resort to thinking about, attempting and committing suicide.

Let me be very honest. When my ocd and depression got so bad as a kid, I wanted nothing more then to be dead. Especially when my ocd focused on me being a terrible person. I was convinced that I was evil and should not exist. I felt I was a danger to society. My ocd convinced me of such. Still to this day, when my head starts racing with terrible ocd thoughts, and I’m so depressed I can’t think straight, suicidal thoughts surface. Obliviously, I have never attempted or committed suicide. Thankfully I’m still here. Fortunately, When I do have my breakdowns, I never loose my whole grasp on reality. I know deep down that suicide will not solve anything. I have to much to loose, to many people who love me, and that there is always some shrink out there that can fix me. (Even if in the moment, I feel like I have nothing, like everyone hates me, and that I’m just plain fucked).

Chemical imbalance can cloud one’s judgement and muffle decisions. Most people who attempt or commit suicide have an emotional or mental disorder. Mainly those with depression or bipolar disorder. But also those with drug or alcohol addiction and financially difficulties.

Most people who commit suicide, don’t want to die, they just want the hurt to go away.

We can’t say that those who commit suicide are cowards, because most will never know what they are going through. Imagine feeling so lost, and unable to think rationally. Nor can we justify suicide. We need to speak openly about suicide without judgment so those who need the help can feel comfortable reaching out.



Common Warning Signs of suicide

Signs of depression or feelings of hopeless
Lack of interest, or energy. Also drastic changes in energy level
Changing in eating habits, appearance or sleep patterns.
Any dramatic changes in behaviour, actions or attitude
Dropping out of hobbies, sports, jobs
Talking about death
Talking about suicide
Joking about dying and suicide.
A previous suicide attempt
Talking about or making a suicide plan
Risk taking behaviour. ( drinking excessively, driving recklessly, drug use, unsafe sex…)
Writing goodbye letters and giving away prized possessions


What to do when someone you know might commit suicide.

SPEAK UP. Pretending and hoping it won’t happen doesn’t help. Soceity lets to much stuff go unnoticed. Suicide is real. Help save a life!

When there is immediate danger, call 911.

If you can convince someone to go to the ER, get them there. Most emergency rooms deal with this fantastically. You simply tell the triage what is going on.

Hrm has a great mobile crisis team. They are trained to deal with any mental crisis, including suicide. They will even come to you. Local :429-8167 or toll free:1 888 429 8167

Regardless how in-depth they are with you about suicide, they need to talk with someone who is trained in that area. A family dr can offer some assistance , and also refer her/him to someone who can help. However, this sometimes takes a few months.

There is also the option of finding a psychologist privately. www.apns.ca/findpsych.html


Google searches can be quite helpful. Always feel free to contact me through here, face book, or email if you have any questions that I might be able to help you with.

Why a Pitbull?

Why a PITBULL?

I get asked that question on a regular basis. My answer- “Why Not?”!
Growing up we had poodles and muts. Don’t get me wrong, they were adorable, But they weren’t my kind of dog. I didn’t know a whole lot about “pitbulls” before we decided to look at Soleil, but I certainly did my fair share of research on the breed before convincing Anthony , and purchasing Soleil.

Since Soleil came into my life, I have never felt more complete. My interest in dogs as a species, in training, in behaviour, especially in bully breeds has perked. I could read articles and books all day just to educate myself on how to help this mis-understood breed.

I don’t do drugs, I am not a drug dealer, I work for a living, I don’t steal. I don’t have a gun, I don’t live in a bad part of town, and my pants don’t hang off my knee’s. Yet, I still have a Pit-bull. Imagine that! There are tons of us out there! Unfortunately, dumb ass chicken shit’s get Pit Bull’s for the Badass status. They hurt the breed’s reputation. Along with the other idiots that leave little kids alone with dogs. Soleil is amazing with kids. She was born and played with by kids until we purchased her at 8 weeks. As soon as we got her, we had her around kids of all ages. She loves to give them kisses, eat their ice cream and just sniff them. Regardless, she is an 80lb, very powerful dog, who , when playing rough, or just walking by, could certainly damage a child. On top of that, kids aren’t usually taught the correct way to handle a dog. Numerous things could set a dog off, and its incredibly important for an Adult to know and recognize these signs. The key is to prevent accidents. Never allow for them to happen!

My goal when purchasing Soleil was to change the view most have on Pitbulls! I realised how hard that was going to be when she was sleeping in my arms at 9 weeks, while I was in a petstore purchasing a collar. A family came up, ohhing and ahhhing over her and started patting her without permission. They wanted to know what kind of dog it was, how old is waserwc where we got her. As soon as I said “ This is Soleil. She is an American Pitbull Terrier”. The jaws dropped and they jumped back knocking the shelving unit behind them over. The mother was horrified “ Does she bite”?

Yes, she is a vicious dog at 9 weeks old. Yes she bites, that’s why she attacked you when you were all patting her. I was annoyed to say the least. Being naïve, I didn’t realise that this just the beginning of my journey of defending the breed.d

American Pit Bull Terriers are incredibly easy to train if they have an educated, responsible leader. We certainly have some problems with Soleil, but we never once hesitated to ask for help from a professional.

Their strength, their body and the way they move never bores me. I could watch them play and interact for hours. Yes, they were bred for bull baiting and dog fighting, yet, they can certainly interact with each other and humans in such a gentle way. My favourite thing about them is their whole body wag and their smile. They are always so happy!

So, why a pitbull? Come meet my pooches and ask “Why not?!”

Family Matters

Some day, I will write a book about my family. It will cause tears of both sadness and joy, it will cause shock, intense interest, and most likely a roller coaster of emotions.

I am sure most families are dysfunctional. I always laugh out loud at movies and books when there is a crazy family that reminds me of mine.

As kids we would answer the phone “ Crazy House”, “Nut House” and “Funny Farm”. When there is a house full of six children, what else could you call it? There was never a quiet moment. Someone was always in trouble. Someone was always crying. Someone always hated someone. But at the end of the night from all the bedrooms you would hear someone start the yell out ritual :

“Night everyone, Love you!”

If someone didn’t respond, there would be another yell

“Goodnight Dad, Love you!” “Laura, I said goodnight, love you”

I couldn’t sleep until everyone knew that even though I yelled at them an hour ago, and told them how much I hated them, that I truly did love them.


My family is everything to me. Living away, I am not as close to them as I wish I could be. I can never wait to go home to Cape Breton, and then after a weekend or a week filled with my chaotic family, I can’t wait to get back to Halifax for some peace and quiet. However, after just 15 minutes of driving back home, I miss them already.

My family certainly isn’t boring. There is always something exciting going on. Sure, events are hectic. Usually tears, but ALWAYS laughter. Always memories and Always Love!

Handsome American Pit Bull Terrier for Adoption!

We adopted Ruffus from Ontario where "pit bulls" are banned. However, after a little over a month him and our dog are no longer compatiable. We need to rehome him.

Ruffus is an amazing boy, who deserves a loving family. It will be very hard to see him go. Ruffus is nutered, microchipped and up to date on vacinations. He knows his basic commands Sit, stay, off, paw and is really great with "come".

I will only allow Ruffus to go to someone who is dog savvy and familar with bully breeds and BSL. Ruffus could use some basic training to help him gain confidence. He is still nervous around new people, but warms up to them fairly quickly. Ruffus would be best suited as an only dog, however, he doesn't seem to mind cats at all.

Ruffus has a bit of seperation anxiety, however, since being with us we have worked on it. He has improved, but still needs to overcome it. Excerise before being left home alone and some tasty bones can do the trick.

If I could, I would keep this boy! We have tried and even brought in a dog expert. She is also willing to anwser any questions you have via email.

Serrious inquiries only please.

Call or email

amydonovan@eastlink.ca

or
902-852-2336

Mental Health Facts! (CANADA)

-Mental illness affect one in every five people

-The first symptoms of severe, chronic forms of mental illness (such as schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, and anxiety disorders) generally appear between the ages of 15 and 24.

-Suicide is the second leading cause of death among young people ages 15-24.

-Only 1 in 5 who need mental health services receive them.

-Mental illnesses can be treated effectively. For those who get help, 80% are able to return to their regular activities.

-Peer support, understanding of one’s illness, overall wellness, employment and education are crucial to achieving and maintaining recovery.

-In Nova Scotia, less than 4% of the Health Care budget is spent on Mental Health Services
(From the Mental Health Coalition of NS)

The investment the federal government has made in health promotion and disease prevention: $300 million over five years and $74.4 million ongoing allocations.

-The percentage of Canadians who have a mental illness in any given year: 10.4 %

-The percentage of the $300 million (over five years) dedicated to mental health: 1.5 %

-The percentage of the $74.4 million ongoing money allocated for mental health: 1.3%
(From the Mood Disorders Association of Canada)

A Mental Health Event For Everyone.

Life Isn't Fair

How often have you hit rock bottom and dwell on life not being fair. I do it more then I care to admit. I allow it to get me down, which just makes everything worse.

But, guess what? Life isn’t fair. Get over it!

I recently read somewhere if we just came into grip with reality, and accepted that life was in fact, NOT FAIR, we wouldn’t spend so much time thinking about it. We could think.. “ yeah, life is a bitch” and then get back on track and move on. J

a look inside a younger Amy's OCD brain.

OCD and Obesity. The two biggest battles of my life. They have both always been with me, and its always been a fight to stop them from taking over. The fight is certainly much easier now that I have matured and found my support group of friends and family, but it is no where near a walk in the park.

Ocd is the worst one. It’s not something I would wish upon my worst enemy. Imagine losing touch with reality. Imagine thinking you are actually crazy. Imagine going to bed, and then thinking “ Did I lock the doors?” Your not positive so, you get out of bed, go downstairs and check. Yep. Its locked. You then go back to bed, get warm and cozy and then the thought hits again “ Are you sure you locked the door?” You think you did, but then more you think about it you doubt. Then you think of all the horrible things that could happen if the door was left unlocked and someone got inside. Your little brother, your parents, they aren’t safe, and its all your fault because you didn’t make sure the door was locked. You get out of your cozy bed and head back downstairs. You walk by the bathroom and wonder “ Did I just touch the toilet seat, I don’t think so, but I don’t know. I should wash my hands to get the germs off, then go lock the doors”. You scrub your hands to get the possible toilet germs off, then head to the door to make sure its locked. However, you pass your brothers bedroom along the way. You stop in your tracks. “Did I just enter his room?… Maybe I hurt him.? Oh noo, what if I hurt my little brother.” You go in to peek at him to make sure he is okay. He is sleeping soundly. You start to walk out, but then you wonder “ Maybe he isn’t breathing. Maybe I smothered him.” The horrible thoughts are killing you on the inside. You love your little brother, and would never want him to be harmed. And you think you locked the door, and why would you go touch the dirty toilet??? But, still there is that what if. What if I am a horrible person, who likes to cover myself in germs to make everyone sick, what if I purposely leave the doors unlocked so a criminal can get it. Maybe I even told someone to come in and rob my house. Maybe I told them I would leave the doors unlocked. And what if maybe I do want to hurt my brother because I am a jealous older sister.

Tears poor down your face. You get warm, sweaty, and can hardly breath. Anxiety is taking over. You want the thoughts to stop, but what if, what if they are true. You go back to your brother and make sure he is breathing. You place a hand above his mouth to make sure you feel breath. Your hand touches his face. Panic strikes and you start to shake. I know I just touched my brother, did I just try to smother him? Your so worried that you actually tried to hurt him, that you give him one last look, and leave the room. You get to the front door, and make sure its locked. You pass a bottle of mr clean that your mom had out when she was doing cleaning. As you start to walk back into your bedroom, you wonder “ did I mix mr. clean with the juice to poison my family?” I go back to the kitchen. These crazy thoughts and rituals have taken up over two hours already. You are exhausted, sweaty from panic and tears. You don’t want to hurt your family, but you can’t be sure you didn’t try to poison them. You need to reduce the anxiety. You remove all the juice out of the fridge, and pour it down the drain. Your mother is going to kill you for wasting, but its better then poisoning them.

Forty five minutes later you enter your bedroom. This is after washing your hands 4 times, each session lasting 5 minutes because you might have touched the toilet with your hands again. Your hands are raw, red and bleeding. But its better then spreading germs, and contaminating everything. You also had to check on your brother 4 more times, and re-check to make sure the door was locked. You finally lay in bed, so confused. You pray to God, asking why you are having these terrible thoughts. You must be a horrible person. People aren’t safe around you. You shouldn’t be here. You should die. More panic. You think “ Do I want to die? Do I want to kill myself, oh my god, what if I kill myself? “ Wayy down, deep deep down you know you don’t want to commit suicide, but what if you do it while sleeping. More panic. What would your parents and friends think? They would be devastated. You get back up, turn on the lights and take out a note book and paper. You have to write a note to your family, just in case you kill yourself in the middle of the night. You tell them how much they mean to you, how much you love god, and that you didn’t want to die. You know your not making any sense, but you want them to know that it wasn’t there fault.

You start to doze while writing the letter and then the thoughts hit again. The door, your brother, the poison, the steak knife on your desk where you had your supper earlier. You recheck everything and wash your hands again. You bring soap and water into your bedroom, because you might not have washed your hands before after possibly touching the toilet. You wipe off your pillows and anywhere you could have touched with your hands. Finally you climb into bed, and cry yourself to sleep, while praying to God for help….

I am happy to say, I rarely ever recheck doors now. I don’t have the fear of killing myself. I still wash, but not as ridiculously. My hands are healed and normalish now. I still fear that I might have hurt someone while walking by, especially babies and animals. Obsessive compulsive disorder will usually attack the things that mean the most to you in your life. I love my family, and all animals. My ocd tends to focus on anything that makes me happy.

Years of therapy and medication has certainly helped. But what helped me the most was filling my brain with information about the disorder and talking with others who have been in the same boat as me.

Everyone gets horrible thoughts, that they don’t pay attention to. Because it really means nothing! Its amazing how a thought that so many are able to dismiss, can turn into panic for me. But, It is also amazing how far I have come. I’m not crazy, just a little touched. ;).

We hide our illness well...

I was walking through the mall with a friend, when she told me to check the guy out on our left with the shaved head. He was ordering a meal at A&W, and I noticed he was very polite. He stood about 6 feet tall, very normal looking, attractive and in his late twenties.

After we were well passed him she asked what I thought. I gave her my description, assuming she would follow by telling me he had recently hit on her. She said “ You would never guess he has schizophrenia.. Would you?.”

Moral of this story is, people with mental illness’s aren’t always crazy, abusive, or homeless. They can be very normal in most- if not all- situations.

No one every suspects, especially by looking at me that I have such a messed up brain. Granted, I do well at hiding it. Most of those with ocd are great actors. Most people with depression don’t go around mopey or trying to commit sucicide all the time. Those with schizophrenia don’t always show signs of being detached from reality. Those with bipolar don’t always allow the world to see their manic and depressive states.

Recently at an eye appopintment to get contact lenses I had to list the type of medication I was on. When I said prozac, the contact lens fitter looked up at me and said “what?”. “Prozac” I repeated. She still looked quizzical so I also added the generic name Fluoxetine
.

Her face turned from quizzical to pity. She said “ Amy dear, You seem so happy. You don’t seem depressed.”

I know I didn’t owe her an explanation, but I gave her one anyways. “Oh, I have obsessive compulsive disorder, which also caused depression.”

She still had a slight frown on her face. The famous look of pity, the look I hate. “Oh, Amy. I am so sorry.”

I let out a sincere laugh and smiled. “Don’t be sorry. I am okay. I am dealing with it day by day. I’m good .”


There are so many celeberties with mental illness. No one would have ever guessed that they struggle with these issues. Below are a list of some.


Celebrities with OCD:
Cameron Diaz
Jessica Alba
Billy Bob Thornton
David Beckham
Alec Baldwin
Jennifer Love Hewitt
Donald Trump
Leonardo DiCaprio
Harrison Ford
Howard Stern
Howie Mandel
Roseanne Barr
Fred Durst
Rose McGowan
Michael Jackson
Joey Ramone

Celeberities with other mental illness's

Hallie Berry - Depressiom. Attempted suicide.
Naomi Judd- Depression, panic attacks, and seperation anxiety
Princess Diana -bulimia and may have struggled with borderline personality disorder
Vivien Leigh, star of Gone with the Wind, struggled with both bipolar disorder
Carrie Fisher, who played Princess Leia in Star Wars, lives with manic depression
Dave Matthews- depression
Barret Robbins, formerly of the Raiders, has battled bipolar disorder and alcoholism.
John Nash, recipient of the Nobel Memorial Prize in Economic Sciences in 1994 and the subject of A Beautiful Mind, lives with schizophrenia.
Sting, manic depressive
DMX, aka Earl Simmons, -bipolar disorder.
Ben Stiller- bipolar

What is OCD?

I'm not sure if anyone could possibly understand OCD, if they do not have it themselves. A posted a short definition below. Throughout my blog, I will give examples how ocd effects me, and others who have this disorder. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask.


Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, OCD, is an anxiety disorder and is characterized by recurrent, unwanted thoughts (obsessions) and/or repetitive behaviours (compulsions). Repetitive behaviours such as handwashing, counting, checking, or cleaning are often performed with the hope of preventing obsessive thoughts or making them go away. Performing these so-called "rituals," however, provides only temporary relief, and not performing them markedly increases anxiety

Forgive And Forget

Forgiving is hard. Forgetting Is hard. And dwelling and holding a grudge is even harder.

But, I am wondering, is one stronger, or more of a “man” because they refuse to forgive someone for something mean and horrible that was done upon them or is one a better person for letting go, moving on and forgiving someone?

I understand it would depend on the degree of what was done. Depending on how mean, evil or hurtful someone done unto you. However, how long does one hold on to a grudge. I am a firm believer that people can change, sometimes in a short period of time. They often regret something they have said or done. A sincere apology should certainly mend a relationship.

Sometimes I feel I am to quick to forgive. Since childhood, I have often felt I allowed people to walk over me. I have brought out my inner bitch since maturing and can take up for myself, but I still forgive rather quickly. Although I still have grudges that eat me up inside.

It hard for me to hate someone or to feel ill towards someone. If I don’t resolve an issue, even if I was done wrong, I dwell and allow it to take control of my emotions.

Am I weak for forgiving so easily. For forgetting? For giving someone another chance… sometimes more then one? Or am I a better person, because I can get over it, and allow life to go on?

How about you? What’s your style?

Perhaps we can take a lesson from our four legged furry friends. Dogs forgive so quickly. They remain loyal to owners who abuse them. They remain with friends with other dogs that they have previously fought with. Its amazing to see Soleil forgive and forget so easily.

The first blog

The first blog post is always the hardest. I kind of feel that I need to set the tone for my whole blog. I have been debating starting a blog for sometime now. When I was younger, I would be writing constantly, and I miss it. For me, writing is therapy. And, I guess all my readers will be my therapist's. Feel free to leave comments, advice and any thoughts. Please remember not to feel sorry or take pity when my blogs are on the depressing side. Pity does no one any good.

I know that when I start writing there is no stopping or sugar coating anything. The true me will be posted, my deepest darkest feelings will be said. Stuff that people ussually hide, or only tell a select few. I will be telling everyone. It seems a bit scary, and I am a bit concerned how some may look at me. But, it's okay. I know who I am, and I know what I am about. Despite what I may say in this blog. I know, that I am still a more sane then some :)

I hope that others will come upon my blog and be able to relate. I hope that those that can't relate, will have their eyes opened about things they currently judge.

I want to remove the stigma on so many things.

People with a mental illness are not crazy.

Pitbull owners are not thugs and drug users.

Fat people aren't always lazy.