Friday January 21st 2011
It amazes me how smart, sane and sensible I can be one day, then the next day I’m delusional and non realistic. I have these perfect ideas and plans. I think they are realistic, I think they are perfect, but I always fail at pulling through. Is it because I’m an idiot? Or because I lack the confidence and determination to push my way to the end. I have to question myself because its not normal to have the same plans for years, and to allow years pass with out making any changes or improvements.
Last Sunday, I planned for a new day, a new week, a new beginning. I didn’t get to the gym at all, I didn’t get anything done that I wanted to. Instead, I messed up my work schedule and locked myself out of a clients house! I am sooo fucking fantastic! My house is still disorganized, my rollerskates have not been ordered ( that’s a whole other blog), my car is still a mess. I did however do some bonding time with my pitty. We walked 6kms. Its amazing how well she does on leash now. I had to keep checking to make sure she was clipped on because she did not pull. That, I feel good about.
Normally, I’d allow myself to get depressed because I have not accomplished anything all week. But, I’m not. I still feel positive, I still feel that if I keep my head up, life will continue and improve. I will improve. I need to improve, because I can’t deteriorate anymore, the next step is the looney bin. ;)
Ocd update. I am still pretty nervous around my pets and children I run into. Ocd is trying to convince me that I move a certain way to hurt them. Seems silly, but oh so real in my brain. Perhaps, I am a terrible person who wishes to cause harm for my own pleasure….? I have accepted that my life will always be filled with these doubts. Sad, but true. For the most part, I am a happy girl. Even with my brain doubting, I can still stay on top of the world. Its just the occasional outbreak that brings me down. I know I can overcome it, and I will be back to my happy go lucky self, with proper management.
Im curious to know… what causes anxiety in you? Whats the craziest thing you have ever doubted? We all have doubts, we all have crazy thoughts, its only a problem when your brain gets “stuck” on a said thought and you question over and over why you thought it. Tell me yours… I dare you!
Monday, January 24, 2011
Sunday, January 16, 2011
A new day
Today, is a new day. Today is the beginning of a new week. I’m done procrastinating. I’m done making excuses and allowing myself to get away with not living my life to the fullest.
I had a huge wake up call last week. OCD took over. Anxiety attacks. Panic. Racing thoughts. I couldn’t function. It was terrifying and I was crashing.
Two years ago I had a really bad ocd breakdown. I was unable to work, sleep or eat. I couldn’t be in public, nor could I be around anyone or anything besides Anthony. A few months, some nutty useless therapists and some fantastic drugs, I was back to normal. As normal as I get. While my ocd never goes away, I am normally able to manage it without a breakdown.
Last week I knew a breakdown was brewing. I knew I had to take control. I just couldn’t figure out how. However, what I have that others seem to lack is an amazing support system. I have always been incredibly lucky to have those around me. Anthony, the love of my life, my better half , has been so fantastic. When our relationship started almost 9 years ago, when we were just 15, Anthony was introduced to my OCD. Funny enough, he did not run away. He could have, because literally, we had only been dating a week when OCD convinced me that I would give him an STD from just holding hands. Yes, its okay to laugh. I laugh at it now. I know now how silly it sounds, but back then, there was no way I could be rational when I my body was under so much stress.
My family, simply amazing. I still can not believe the things I tell them. I try not to mention my type of OCD because it is so disturbing. But, my family know the details. They laugh at me too sometimes, because when your 10 feet away from a child and your ocd makes you think you bitch slapped them with your “go go gadget” arms, you have to laugh. I even laugh when my anxiety goes away. If im lucky, it only lasts 10 mins. My nieces and nephews even know about my ocd and some of my “obsessions”. It makes life easier. It also helps my family understand why I can be distant and refuse to be around them as much as I would like to be.
My friends. God has truly blessed me. All close friends know about my ocd, and how it can affect me. I can be incredibly emotionally draining, so I can not blame anyone for walking away from me. Luckily its very rare. I know, deep down, that I am a good person, a good friend. And if you are able to handle me at my low times, you will love me during my high times. ;)
That being said, I took the weekend to rejuvenate. I’ve been a bit stressed, which I know contributed to my mini ocd breakdown. Sigh, stress management, how I need you.
Friday night two friends took me under their wings and had me spend the night with them. The next morning I had a bubble bath poured for me in their huge soaker tub, served coffee and books in the bath, and then had an amazing breakfast made for me. <3 Saturday night consisted of late night movies with Antz and sleeping in on Sunday. Today, we are at a coffee shop downtown, reading, writing and flirting. Nothing else matters. I am rejuvenated!
I am so pissed that OCD has this control over me. I want to be back in control of my own life and my own happiness. A positive outlook should help. Exercise should help too. Today, I am starting over. Today, my life begins again. Today, I will start bettering myself, and I am asking for your help in holding me to it. OCD can’t hold me down. I will not allow OCD to cause such depression, that my life becomes useless. I refuse to let it stop me from enjoying the things I love. The people I love. I am all about love, and when anxiety kicks in, I am not a loveable person.
I had a huge wake up call last week. OCD took over. Anxiety attacks. Panic. Racing thoughts. I couldn’t function. It was terrifying and I was crashing.
Two years ago I had a really bad ocd breakdown. I was unable to work, sleep or eat. I couldn’t be in public, nor could I be around anyone or anything besides Anthony. A few months, some nutty useless therapists and some fantastic drugs, I was back to normal. As normal as I get. While my ocd never goes away, I am normally able to manage it without a breakdown.
Last week I knew a breakdown was brewing. I knew I had to take control. I just couldn’t figure out how. However, what I have that others seem to lack is an amazing support system. I have always been incredibly lucky to have those around me. Anthony, the love of my life, my better half , has been so fantastic. When our relationship started almost 9 years ago, when we were just 15, Anthony was introduced to my OCD. Funny enough, he did not run away. He could have, because literally, we had only been dating a week when OCD convinced me that I would give him an STD from just holding hands. Yes, its okay to laugh. I laugh at it now. I know now how silly it sounds, but back then, there was no way I could be rational when I my body was under so much stress.
My family, simply amazing. I still can not believe the things I tell them. I try not to mention my type of OCD because it is so disturbing. But, my family know the details. They laugh at me too sometimes, because when your 10 feet away from a child and your ocd makes you think you bitch slapped them with your “go go gadget” arms, you have to laugh. I even laugh when my anxiety goes away. If im lucky, it only lasts 10 mins. My nieces and nephews even know about my ocd and some of my “obsessions”. It makes life easier. It also helps my family understand why I can be distant and refuse to be around them as much as I would like to be.
My friends. God has truly blessed me. All close friends know about my ocd, and how it can affect me. I can be incredibly emotionally draining, so I can not blame anyone for walking away from me. Luckily its very rare. I know, deep down, that I am a good person, a good friend. And if you are able to handle me at my low times, you will love me during my high times. ;)
That being said, I took the weekend to rejuvenate. I’ve been a bit stressed, which I know contributed to my mini ocd breakdown. Sigh, stress management, how I need you.
Friday night two friends took me under their wings and had me spend the night with them. The next morning I had a bubble bath poured for me in their huge soaker tub, served coffee and books in the bath, and then had an amazing breakfast made for me. <3 Saturday night consisted of late night movies with Antz and sleeping in on Sunday. Today, we are at a coffee shop downtown, reading, writing and flirting. Nothing else matters. I am rejuvenated!
I am so pissed that OCD has this control over me. I want to be back in control of my own life and my own happiness. A positive outlook should help. Exercise should help too. Today, I am starting over. Today, my life begins again. Today, I will start bettering myself, and I am asking for your help in holding me to it. OCD can’t hold me down. I will not allow OCD to cause such depression, that my life becomes useless. I refuse to let it stop me from enjoying the things I love. The people I love. I am all about love, and when anxiety kicks in, I am not a loveable person.
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