A new beginning...

Respect your efforts, respect yourself. Self-respect leads to self-discipline. When you have both firmly under your belt, that's real power.
Clint Eastwood

Let me be real for a second here…. Let me be totally honest.

For at least the past year and a half I have failed… epically. I allowed myself to be stripped of so much confidence, independence, discipline, and honesty. I have hidden, laid low, and allowed myself to be defeated.

Defeated by life. My mother’s death makes me angry. 

Defeated by my inner demons. Ocd, depression, food addiction, lack of self discipline, laziness, bad habits

Defeated by health issues. Always tired, exhausted, dizzy and falling asleep. Weight.

I realise when I look at the issues above, they are all connected.  Months before my mother was diagnosed with cancer, I had been doing well. My doing well involved a healthy daily routine, and morning gym time. I was losing weight. I was healthier mentally.

After a bad ocd episode, I slowly started to fall apart. Not only was my mental state failing, but some physical issues popped up as well. Mixed with no energy, headaches and dizziness, life seemed impossible. The doctors couldn’t pinpoint what was going on, so I started to wonder if I was just lazy and using depression as an excuse for not being able to do anything.  

Add in my feelings in regards to what we went through with Mom, It does not surprise me that I have allowed myself to be defeated.  However, now it is time to take my life back.

I am not so exhausted anymore.  A new doctor figured out my iron and B12 was low. Mixed in with my mental state, it was just enough to fuck me up. ;) Thankfully a cat scan and other blood work proved that it was nothing more serious.

I thought I was ready before, I was not.  I am ready now. I am more prepared. I am more healed. I am more at peace.  I have no more excuses. It is time to take control over myself again. Its time for me to be the Dominant, Independent, Healthy, “Future Amy” that I have hidden deep inside me.

For this to work I must break bad habits, and improve my self-discipline. They say it takes an average of 66 days to form a new habit. Ideally I would like to form some new habits, but mostly just break some bad ones.

After much research on self-discipline, I am ready.. or as ready as I will ever be… to start a new beginning. 

I have been working on a seven day plan, which starts tonight.  While it’s only seven days, it will be the stepping stones for a bigger better plan.

I will not sleep in. I will not allow myself to sleep more than 8 hours.

I will eat breakfast, lunch and supper.

I will not eat any fried food.

I will get physical exercise every day. (walking the dog does not count)

I will work on my skating for derby at least 3 times this week. (stance/crossovers/endurance/balance)

I will finish a full day’s work every day.

I will not watch any meaningless television unless all chores are done, and I am having downtime with Antz. This will not exceed 3.5 hours for the whole week.

I will not spend any meaningless time online. I will allow myself to blog my updates and check emails. I will only respond to those necessary.

I will keep a food diary.

I will text less, and be less attached to my phone.

Life is to short to waste. I want to focus on myself, loved ones, and the things I love. It is time to start living..

While a simple google search gives some excellent resources for self-discipline, here are a few links..

http://www.ryanwhiteside.com/learning-self-discipline.html

http://www.pluginid.com/pure-self-discipline/

http://www.google.ca/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=self%20discipline%20in%2010%20days&source=web&cd=3&sqi=2&ved=0CEIQFjAC&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.forexfactory.com%2Fattachment.php%3Fattachmentid%3D695316%26d%3D1304976145&ei=7CK3TrOOG-Hi0QHzqdXVBA&usg=AFQjCNER6diJgVUtiUgGOZuBnPAhZMd0uQ

Finding Peace.....

"Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy."
- Eskimo Proverb

I still think of Mom daily. Numerous times a day. I still start to call her. I still forget she is gone. I still remember every mean thing I’ve said to her, and I still remember the suffering. I am still angry, bitter and think cancer fucking sucks. I still ache for Mom and miss her dearly.

However, I am feeling a bit better than I was. I think I have come to a point in my life where I am more accepting… or something. I believe a few things played a huge part in me finding a bit of peace, or at least feeling a bit more at ease.
A friend of mine recently lost his mother to cancer. It was very similar to the type of cancer mom had and he went through some very similar things that I did. I was there for him as much as I could be, to listen, offer advice, and just to chat. But, it was also like therapy for me. He listened to me. I got so much off my chest. Tommy, I am always here for you, and Thank you for being there for me as well. ( Once upon a time…. The end!...)

Twice this summer, I requested Mom’s presence and she showed. For those of you who do not know, my mother loved butterflies and when we see butterflies, it is her. This summer I had not seen any butterflies. On a particularly bad day, I had the dog outside playing fetch. I was so depressed; I cancelled all my work for the day, and was walking around in a daze. I looked at the sky and pleaded for Mom. Within minutes, a yellow butterfly appeared in the distant. I slowly walked towards it, only to notice more yellow butterflies popping up out of nowhere. It was amazing. It gave me the strength to pull myself together and get through the day.

Then, Labour Day weekend, Anthony and I rented a cottage on the lake. It was a wonderful weekend, where we spent the whole weekend on the dock with our feet in the water. I again was in a funk and was struggling to be happy, when I said to Anthony “I’ve not seen any butterflies in a long time. I wish mom was here”.
Seconds later the biggest butterfly I had ever seen flew between Anthony and me. It looped around a bit then flew across the lake. It was magical.

A few weeks ago, I started working on my newest tattoo. A partial tattoo sleeve in memory of Mom. This is in addition to the wrist tattoo, that my four sisters and I got in memory of mom.

I chatted with Lydia from Utility tattoo about what I wanted for my tattoo. I met her through derby and is incredibly talented. She created an amazing custom piece for me, and 2 weeks ago I sat down in her chair. Five hours later, I was rocking one stunning piece of art on my arm, and its only half done. I get it finished next week.

I constantly catch myself touching my arm, where my mom’s portrait is tattooed on. It puts me at ease. It reminds me she is here with me.

...

Yes, It’s me! I’ve just not had any motivation to sit in front of my laptop and write. It seems when I turn my laptop on the only thing I do is browse eBay. I’m addicted! When I sit down to write, I can’t figure out where to start, to stop or what to say at all. So, I guess I will skip right to the updates.
I’ve been a bit strange lately. Depressed and fucked up by OCD, and when I get into a funk, I just can’t seem to get out of it. It’s annoying and I just want to sleep. Nothing seems important. I have started seeing a new therapist, finally. To get better, I know it will get worse. I find it terrifying. BUT, I’m happy overall.

Ok, fuck updates. I can’t seem to write anymore.

I think I might do some blogs in video mode….

sweet sunshine

I'm pretty slack when it comes to keeping on top of blogging. I hope you are all well. Me?, I'm fantastic. The sun is fucking shining!

Today, I am hiking on private property, I know, I'm such a risk taker. Its property we have been hiking a lot lately. This private land leads to 22 acres that is up for sale, that Anthony and I are very interested in. The only difference with todays hike, is that I'm alone, with soleil and two pups that I'm fostering for littersncritters. Both mixed breeds from Labrador. One is 8 weeks, the other 12.

Tonka came with some siblings from Labrador. Her mother had 6 litters in 2.5 years. They would have been drowned if they weren't rescued. He will be leaving Thursday as he will be adopted

Lucy had been found on the side of the road in a box with her siblings. She is a smart cookie, with an independent streak. As of now she is still up for adoption.

When I informed people I was taking in two pups, their first reaction was..."But what will Soleil think?"

Soleil, my pitty has some fear aggression, and while she has never hurt anything, she will bark and charge if not introduced properly, especially when charged up. I was confident it would be fine.



Upon arriving home with the pups, in a crate, Soleil got a sniff of them and went wild. Barking and growling at them through the create. I was a bit upset with her to say the least. I allowed them to meet outside with them out of the create, which proved to be scary. I realized I had a lot of anxiety and wasn't allowing soleil slack to meet them properly. That caused some tension, and I was reading her behaviors all wrong. I confused playing for aggressiveness because of my anxiety.



Needless to say, I got a good sleep and was more rational in the morning. Soleil and the pups are fantastic together. Playing, eating, sleeping. I could not be more happy, nor more proud of soleil.

With that, I will end my blog with a reminder of how much puppies pee, poop and whine! Its a good thing they are cute ;)

I will be catching up on all your blogs shortly.

Xx
Mamie

Be Different. Be Happy. Be Real.

I’ve always been different. If I wasn’t trying to be different, it would happen naturally. Sometimes, I crave normality and wish I was like everyone else. I am happy with myself, and truly believe my differences make me.. ME. Overall, I am a fairly well rounded person. However, when I’m breaking down and my mind is off, I just want to be normal.

Being the fat kid, taught me a lot about people, being unique taught me even more. For the most part, I am a social butterfly. I never stuck with just one crowd of people, and normally, I was accepted by all. Being the fat kid, being the different kid, being the crazy ocd chick, has made me into a very interesting person.

People confide in me. Perhaps because they know I will try not to judge, and I will try to understand, or because I will give my opinion in a non threatening way. Or maybe its because they know whatever they tell me could never be as bonkers as what is going on in my own head.

I don’t believe there is just one way to live. I believe we can all live peacefully with our differences. The most important part of life.. Is that you live! You need to be happy. You must take every step possible to ensure your happiness. I don’t mean artificial or material happiness either. I mean the real kind where you could be poor and still be smiling, OR, be alone, and know your not alone.

You must do this by being REAL. By being TRUE, to yourself and others. Some days it is easier then others, but a positive attitude goes a long way. The only other rule is that you go through life taking every possible step to prevent hurting others intentionally.

My first instinct when I witness something different is to judge. I think we are all made this way. However, I have made it a habit to stop, and think about why I’m judging. Then I ask myself two questions. “ Is what I am seeing hurting anyone?” and “Is the person and or people happy?”

It doesn’t matter to me….
what color you are,
what your gender is,
what your sexual orientation is,
Or what religion you are,
…. That is , as long as your happy.

I don’t care….
if you are CEO of some spiffy company,
if your monogamous or polyamorous,
if you’re a squeegee kid on the commons,
Or if you have you have 13 toes and 3 boobs,
….That is, as long as your happy.

If your a good person, everything else irrelevant. If your happy, I’m happy.

And, really, most of us don’t have enough legitimate reasons to be unhappy.









“If being sane is thinking there's something wrong with being different....I'd rather be completely fucking mental.”
truthism Angelina Jolie

How Valuable Are They In Your Life?

The other day I was chatting with a close male friend of mine about a few particular people in my life. I adore him, and always respect his opinion. I always find myself bouncing ideas off him, and getting advice from him. He is wise beyond his years, and is incredibly honest. Honest! He never beats around the bush. I love you Ben! <3

I found myself struggling with my a few particular relationships in my life, and I was unsure of what steps to take next. Ben asked me “ How valuable are they in your life?” In this particular situation, I cherished their friendships, so I decided to take the appropriate steps to make it work. However; I then began to ask myself how valuable each and every person was in my life? Really, I had been examining every relationship I had with every single person since coming back from Cape Breton., but this just took it one step further.

I think I am a good friend. I give, and give and give until I can’t give anymore. I love to be there for my friends, regardless of the situation , regardless of the time or the day. If you want me, I am there! Anthony and I are both very giving people. So giving, that we often get burned and taken advantage of.

So, while in Cape Breton, I was incredibly surprised at how many of my “close” friends disappeared. I get that it was a hard situation, an awkward situation, and no one knew what to say. But there are other ways to be there for someone.

On another note, I was incredibly surprised how many friends exceeded my expectations when I needed them. It didn’t take much. Random texts offering love and support, long distance hugs and random emails. Some took it a step further and were REALLY there for me. I am still amazed.

In the 6 months I have been back in Halifax, I have noticed a huge difference in myself. In my friends and who I really value. I tried letting go of my anger and tried to make amends with those I felt abandoned me in my time away. (Sounds dramatic, I know!) I believe in second chances, working things out and forgiving. So that’s what I did. Clean slate for everyone!

Interesting enough, I put much effort into a lot of my current friendships. I have reached out and tried to connect. One can only give so much, before they realise its not worth it. That what or who we are working for, really doesn’t deserve your time. I had to ask myself and answer honestly.. “ How valuable are they in my life?” I am delighted and incredibly fortunate to say that I have let very few people go. I refuse to invest anymore time into those who are not valuable in MY life. I have other people and things that my time will be better invested. Other places its more respected and enjoyed.


I am a very fortunate person.

A whril wind of updates

Life is pretty darn sweet, considering it’s a bitch.

Ocd, has me on a rollercoaster. I am worrying about normal to me things like being around kids, animals and old people, but it also has me doing some confessing and worrying about details of certain events. Silly mind, I want a new brain. I want to be home with my neices and nephews, but ocd makes it so hard.

I dreamt about mom again last night, It has been awhile. Thankfully, it was fairly pleasant. It is nice to have her visit my dreams, but it brings up a wide range of emotions. I think about her daily, and find myself searching my face book to see her comments. She was such a smartass and never failed to put a smile on my face.

I have started a new business adventure. While I am still doing “SS” (removed name for privacy reasons) , it is time for a change and something different. SS is now finally back on track since I’ve returned from Cape Breton in August. My schedule is full, I like my clients and I feel good when I leave. However, I am not content with what I am doing with my life.

While at a recent franchise show I only found one business that interested me. Perhaps I was a little biased, as I was addicted to their product. Gourmet coffee vending machines. After attending some of their information sessions, having interviews and getting approved for a loan, it felt right to go ahead and pursue this. New business name : JJE (removed actual name for privacy reasons). Our Machines arrive at the end of the month, and I feel very positive about this. While Anthony was very much into this idea, he is the one that is stressing over the what if’s. What if it was a bad idea financially? Its funny, considering my history with anxiety, worrying and doubting…. I don’t worry about anything rational. Besides my ocd, people tell me I am the most laid back person they know. Frankly, I believe that everything works out in the end. Worst case scenario, it was a silly idea and were out a shitload of money, but we will live ;). Maybe its because I am feeling pretty confident now.

Roller Derby. I have had an interest in roller derby for a few years now, but could never find anything local. Halifax now has a league and they are accepting new no experienced needed players. Finally, after a lot of procrastinating based on fear, I now have roller skates and all the gear needed. I have been on them twice so far. Once inside, once outside. I hurt from falling, I feel very discouraged and I am definitely unsure I can do this. BUT, I refuse to give up yet. Worst case scenario, I am a shitty skater and can’t do derby. I tried and that’s what matters. Its fantastic exercise, and as long as I don’t break anything, its all good fun.




Yes, it can be a rough sport, but with proper gear and training its fairly safe. Just like any other sport, except you have hot chicks in fishnets, banging into each other using vulgar language, and fun hair. I fit right in ;). The ladies are amazing, and I doubt you could meet a nicer group of people. Seeing them is making me crave more tattoos and piercings. Dad may just disown me…… hehe.

Speaking on tattoos, I am putting together a piece in memory of mom. When mom was first diagnosed with breast cancer, my whole family decided we would get a tattoo to show the love we have for her. It was a simple butterfly, with the breast cancer ribbon in the middle as the body. We will still be getting that one, however, I want something bigger. A portrait perhaps, with her butterfly story. I must remember to post the butterfly story she wrote. Mom loved butterflies, not only because of their beauty, but because what they stood for. The change. She was a butterfly. We all are. “What a caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly” - Richard Buckminister.

I would love to update you all on my weightloss, but there is nothing to report. Total failure in that department, but with the skating being introduced, it should change. I am eating a bit healthier though… maybe… kind of… sorta?

How are you all doing?

01/21/11

Friday January 21st 2011

It amazes me how smart, sane and sensible I can be one day, then the next day I’m delusional and non realistic. I have these perfect ideas and plans. I think they are realistic, I think they are perfect, but I always fail at pulling through. Is it because I’m an idiot? Or because I lack the confidence and determination to push my way to the end. I have to question myself because its not normal to have the same plans for years, and to allow years pass with out making any changes or improvements.

Last Sunday, I planned for a new day, a new week, a new beginning. I didn’t get to the gym at all, I didn’t get anything done that I wanted to. Instead, I messed up my work schedule and locked myself out of a clients house! I am sooo fucking fantastic! My house is still disorganized, my rollerskates have not been ordered ( that’s a whole other blog), my car is still a mess. I did however do some bonding time with my pitty. We walked 6kms. Its amazing how well she does on leash now. I had to keep checking to make sure she was clipped on because she did not pull. That, I feel good about.

Normally, I’d allow myself to get depressed because I have not accomplished anything all week. But, I’m not. I still feel positive, I still feel that if I keep my head up, life will continue and improve. I will improve. I need to improve, because I can’t deteriorate anymore, the next step is the looney bin. ;)

Ocd update. I am still pretty nervous around my pets and children I run into. Ocd is trying to convince me that I move a certain way to hurt them. Seems silly, but oh so real in my brain. Perhaps, I am a terrible person who wishes to cause harm for my own pleasure….? I have accepted that my life will always be filled with these doubts. Sad, but true. For the most part, I am a happy girl. Even with my brain doubting, I can still stay on top of the world. Its just the occasional outbreak that brings me down. I know I can overcome it, and I will be back to my happy go lucky self, with proper management.

Im curious to know… what causes anxiety in you? Whats the craziest thing you have ever doubted? We all have doubts, we all have crazy thoughts, its only a problem when your brain gets “stuck” on a said thought and you question over and over why you thought it. Tell me yours… I dare you!

A new day

Today, is a new day. Today is the beginning of a new week. I’m done procrastinating. I’m done making excuses and allowing myself to get away with not living my life to the fullest.

I had a huge wake up call last week. OCD took over. Anxiety attacks. Panic. Racing thoughts. I couldn’t function. It was terrifying and I was crashing.

Two years ago I had a really bad ocd breakdown. I was unable to work, sleep or eat. I couldn’t be in public, nor could I be around anyone or anything besides Anthony. A few months, some nutty useless therapists and some fantastic drugs, I was back to normal. As normal as I get. While my ocd never goes away, I am normally able to manage it without a breakdown.

Last week I knew a breakdown was brewing. I knew I had to take control. I just couldn’t figure out how. However, what I have that others seem to lack is an amazing support system. I have always been incredibly lucky to have those around me. Anthony, the love of my life, my better half , has been so fantastic. When our relationship started almost 9 years ago, when we were just 15, Anthony was introduced to my OCD. Funny enough, he did not run away. He could have, because literally, we had only been dating a week when OCD convinced me that I would give him an STD from just holding hands. Yes, its okay to laugh. I laugh at it now. I know now how silly it sounds, but back then, there was no way I could be rational when I my body was under so much stress.

My family, simply amazing. I still can not believe the things I tell them. I try not to mention my type of OCD because it is so disturbing. But, my family know the details. They laugh at me too sometimes, because when your 10 feet away from a child and your ocd makes you think you bitch slapped them with your “go go gadget” arms, you have to laugh. I even laugh when my anxiety goes away. If im lucky, it only lasts 10 mins. My nieces and nephews even know about my ocd and some of my “obsessions”. It makes life easier. It also helps my family understand why I can be distant and refuse to be around them as much as I would like to be.

My friends. God has truly blessed me. All close friends know about my ocd, and how it can affect me. I can be incredibly emotionally draining, so I can not blame anyone for walking away from me. Luckily its very rare. I know, deep down, that I am a good person, a good friend. And if you are able to handle me at my low times, you will love me during my high times. ;)

That being said, I took the weekend to rejuvenate. I’ve been a bit stressed, which I know contributed to my mini ocd breakdown. Sigh, stress management, how I need you.

Friday night two friends took me under their wings and had me spend the night with them. The next morning I had a bubble bath poured for me in their huge soaker tub, served coffee and books in the bath, and then had an amazing breakfast made for me. <3 Saturday night consisted of late night movies with Antz and sleeping in on Sunday. Today, we are at a coffee shop downtown, reading, writing and flirting. Nothing else matters. I am rejuvenated!

I am so pissed that OCD has this control over me. I want to be back in control of my own life and my own happiness. A positive outlook should help. Exercise should help too. Today, I am starting over. Today, my life begins again. Today, I will start bettering myself, and I am asking for your help in holding me to it. OCD can’t hold me down. I will not allow OCD to cause such depression, that my life becomes useless. I refuse to let it stop me from enjoying the things I love. The people I love. I am all about love, and when anxiety kicks in, I am not a loveable person.